Those First Seven Days at the Nursing Home

Mom, you were in the nursing home 21 or 22 days. We were told that TexanPlus insurance would only pay for 20 days. Every day after that would be 150 dollars. We were so concerned about money because none of us had much money. My retirement money would be drained away in just a few months, if you had to stay there longer. This is only one reason we wanted you out of there in 20 days. And for the first week, it sure looked like this would be an attainable target. You were getting better every day. You were not eating much, but you were getting better at talking, and you were getting physical therapy and some days you sat up in bed. I have a picture of one of those times. I look at that picture now, and I see that you were only "half there" mentally. You definitely were not as happy to be sitting up as I was to see you sitting up.
  It was a few weeks later that I was told by a hospice nurse that one of the signs that a person was dying was that she would not be interested in eating. So I am wondering, were you already dying then, and no one told us? Or were you dying, and no one knew? Your vital signs were good, we were told. Your heart was fine, and your blood pressure was not too low. So I am tempted to think that most people did not know you were dying, but I think your will to live just wasn't there. Communicating was so important to you, and you could no longer do that. Yes, your speech was getting better, but it would only be phrases, such as, "I don't know why..." and the rest would be missing. The speech therapis told us that you were one of his best patients. He told us that after you were at the nursing home about seven days. You were getting better everyday, and this gave all of us much hope. I was still working that first week you were in the nursing home, but I had applied for an FMLA that would soon take effect. I will always remember foindly how I would be at the nursing home at 5:00 in the morning, bringing you donut holes, and turning on Morning Joe, your favorite program. You would only eat half of one donut hole most of those mornings, but at least it was something. It always seemed to be something you wanted to try to eat, at least. You would pay some attention to Morning Joe, but it was hard to say how much of it you were listening to. Most of my time was trying to figure out why you were in so much pain. You basically were miserable. About the only thing I knew to ask you was, "Is it your back?" Or, "Do you want me to raise your head a little?" Or, "Is it your right hip that is hurting" Or, "Is it your right leg hurting." Many times you would simply answer, "I don't know." Either you didn't know what was hurting you, or you didn't know how I could help you.
  During those first seven days at the nursing home, I would leave around 6:00 in the morning. Sometimes I would tell you I was leaving. Other times I wouldn't tell you if it looked like you were getting some peaceful sleep. But one thing that I shall always remember is how you always seemed happy to see me in the morning. I was the first familiar face you saw every morning, and I was the last familiar face you saw every evening.
  After work, I would go home and rest a little. I had peace of mind knowing that Paul would be with you most of the day, usually from 10:00 AM to about 4:00 PM. We are all so thankful that Paul was able to be there for you. Then Mary Jo would go see you straight from work, so she would be there about 4:30. Then John would get there about 6:30. Then I would get there at 7:30, and I would stay until 9:30. This was the routine for most of the 21 days you were at the nursing home.