What Will I Remember What Will I Forget

Mom, today I went through all the text messages that I either got or sent after your stroke on August 10th. I want to be clear in my mind on the chronology of all this. I am worried that I will forget these days, which is ironic because they are all such painful memories. Why do I want to remember the pain? You probably want me to move on and forget, but I don't yet want to forget. I know that I will, though, eventually. It bothers me that many of the days are melding into one another. For example, I do not have a clear idea of when you came home the first time after your stay in Memorial Herman Southwest. I think you were home only a day. But I will write a separate blog entry on that later.
  It bothers me to my core that your final days had to be so painful and traumatic. Of all the people to deserve such a thing, you are not. Your life has been so good. You have been a model of what a mother should be, but you have also been a model of what a woman should be. One would think, if life were fair, that after being a 24/7 nurse for my dad during his final days, that you would bank some credit in heaven and get a free pass that would say something like: "Go straight to heaven. Do not pass go. Wake up from a peaceful dream and meet your maker." But no, that certainly did not happen. One would think the last three years of your life were painful enough to meet the quota for eternal life. But then it occurred to me one morning while driving, and I almost put this in your eulogy, that maybe Angels are made every day, like new Stars, and for those Angels to be really good at what they do, they must suffer so they truly know what it is like when they continue their mission to help other souls. Yeah, you can see why I left that out in a Catholic mass, right?
  Anyway, I actually typed out all those text messages into my online notepad, complete with times and dates. I was sad that so many days were missing. I was also sad that I could not find that small spiral notebook that I kept while you were in the Nursing home and in the hospitals. I kept notes on your progress, and Paul and Mary Jo also jotted down some notes in there. It would help to clarify some things. But I know that I can always sift through my emails. I am sure I have written lots of informative emails to various good friends about what was going on.